a new year resolution – 2024

i started this year with no idea that i would find my way back to art. my new year resolution for 2023 was to listen to my own needs. no longer would i burn myself out to keep others afloat. i would rest when I needed it, ask for help without shame, and acknowledge and accommodate my struggles rather than hide them.

in january, i started with a neurodivergent aware therapist. in january, i began working with an hEDS aware pilates studio and instructor. i slowed down tremendously this year, purposefully. things have been extremely difficult for myself and those around me. i had once taken on every burden to keep things running, but that now went against my plan.

by the spring, i was finding my ability to engage with my interests again. sure, so many things had fallen by the wayside. our house was a perpetual disaster, i could no longer keep up with three nutritious meals a day, and laundry started to pile up worse than ever.

but this was all intentional. it no longer filled me with guilt or anxiety. instead, i asked for help, relied on others, reprioritized, and did what I could when i was able.

what did that leave me with? a kindness for myself i had misplaced long ago. for the first time in a long time, quite possibly more than ever before, i had compassion for myself. no longer were my struggles personal failures. no longer was the bully in my head allowed to punish me for not doing enough.

with kindness came hope, joy, enthusiasm. by the summer i was creating again. not just starting projects but finishing them. enthusiastically! there were still so many struggles piling up, but even in the chaos, i was finding my way back to myself.

things have, by no means, settled down. i am ending 2023 facing many of the same problems and issues i started the year with, plus several new ones that were not expected. but i feel so much more sure of myself. even as things remain hard, they don’t feel impossible.

i have achieved things this year that have been years, even a decade, in the making. nothing has been perfect, but everything has been more than i could have hoped for this time last year. i have so much appreciation for every single person that has supported me, offered help, or cheered me on. i cannot express my thanks deeply enough to those that have shouldered burdens to help take some of the weight off of me.

the last several years have been long. i cannot remember the last time i felt excitement going into a new year, but i’m feeling it now. there’s an anticipation i feel, full of potential, all stemming from a newfound trust in myself. i go into 2024 with a new goal in mind: self-compassion.

while this year was all about breaking down the walls that were keeping me trapped, the coming year will find me embracing who i am and what i can do. i’m investing in me. there will be no place for guilt or shame or embarrassment at my limitations, nor at my successes.

to anyone who has cheered me on, and to anyone who will do so in the future, you have made a difference in my life. i never expected such a response to stepping into social spaces again. because of the welcome i have felt, i feel assured that i have nothing to worry about, when it comes to staying true to my authentic self.

here’s to a new year, may we all have the courage to ask for the help we need, and may we show kindness to ourselves before others. each and every one of us is worth at least that much.